Gabe Campbell
H. Salsich
English 9B
20th November, 2008
The Awakening to Awareness;
A Reaction to a talk by Stump Olsen and Heterosexism
(1) In our rising society (participle), flaws aren’t found very often. (2) Even still, there are a few grave problems such as heterosexism that are plaguing our civilization. (3) When Stump Olsen came into talk with us, she unraveled this sour surprise to us. (4) With the talk from Ms. Olsen, my eyes were not only opened to the abuse hate that heterosexuals have to face but the torture and suffering they face mentally as well.
(TS) Stump Olsen’s talk left a significant impression on me. (SD) The first impression it left was shock. (CM) Overnight, she transformed from a beloved friend to the most hated kid in the school. (CM) She had to encounter isolation and abuse for the majority of her high school years. (SD) In addition, her talk left me astonished for two reasons. (CM) The first was because she could talk about a subject so harsh with such ease and secondly because she has gone through this hardship and is still a joyful person. (CM) This astonished me because with all the discrimination that she encountered she still talks about it effortlessly. (SD) Finally, her talk left me with a new understanding. (CM) In recent years, I have been exposed to derogatory language as mentioned by Ms. Olsen and thought nothing of it. (CM) Now I realize how hurtful phrases like “that’s so gay” can really be. (CS) Overall, Stump Olsen’s speech left a momentous impact on me and gave a new awareness of the treatment of homosexuals and lesbians.
(TS) Heterosexism is becoming a very serious issue in today’s society. (SD) The first reason is because heterosexuals are average people. (CM) There are no differences on the appearance of the person and the only difference is that the person is attracted to the same gender. (CM) The fact that people discriminate by this fact is completely inhumane and illogical because if you had a room consisting of mixed straight and hetero people, you couldn’t tell the difference just by looking at them. (SD) In addition, heterosexism is starting to make heterosexuals hate themselves. (CM) As Ms. Olsen said, “ I was hoping that they would beat the gay out of me”. (CM) People were making her feel so awful about her sexual preference that she would hope that during one of her WEEKLY beatings she would wake up the next morning a straight person. (SD) Finally, it has put innocent people into a state of fear. (CM) Heterosexuals are constantly petrified because they face the standing threat that they will be murdered or abused by hate groups such as the Ku Klux Klan. (CM) In a land of freedom, innocent people should not have a “death warrant” out for them just because of their sexual preference. (CS) Overall, heterosexism is a disease that is infecting our society.
(1) Heterosexism, the virus that is spreading through our country (absolute), is as much of a serious matter as racism. (2) This issue used to be a closed door until Ms. Olsen opened us up to the dark world of hatred. (3) Without her talk, we would never have understood the gravity of this situation. (4) Overall, Ms. Olsen’s inspirational yet devastating talk has awakened us all to a world of discrimination.
Gabe
11/20/08
Essay on a reaction to Stump Olsen’s talk
1) I used some good fast words to enhance the writing. I also got rid of unnecessary words.
2) I didn’t exactly follow the theme of unity. Also, my opening/closing essays don’t exactly correspond with the rest of the essay
3) I am continually having trouble making my opening/closing paragraphs tell what the rest of the essay is about. Also, my TS’ and CS’ aren’t always attention grabbing
4) B/B+
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2 comments:
Pros: I liked how you incorporated several fast words into your essay, that was a nice touch.
Cons: In the sentence your second chunk you are kind of repeating yourself with "ease" and "effortlessly," we all need to try and work on that.
In the sentence "if you had a room of mixed straight and hetero people" if you read it out loud then you will find that it needs some more words.
Nice job Gabe:-)
I liked how you connected your first body paragraph with the discussion with Stump Olsen.
Cons: In the first paragraph avoid using the phrase "it left me" repeatedly. I also agree with Wendell that the sentence "if you had a room of mixed, straight and hetero people" try putting the word "full" inbetween room and of.
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