TS.Stump Olsen taught me some things about heterosexism that almost brought me into shock. SD.It seems as if the beatings and taunting in her stories were amplified from what I had originally thought. CM.Being jumped twice a week at school would be a horrible experience. CM.I am grateful that the teachers and students at Pine Point School are as loving and caring as they show to be. SD.During our discussion Mrs. Olsen said,"I was not fortunate enough to have a family that stood behind me but I did have a large group of friends who are now my family." CM.This made me think about how important it is to have a family and how important it is to have friends. CM.It is not Olsen's fault that she is heterosexual and her immediate family should understand that. CS.Though Mrs. Olsen had a pretty bad childhood she turned out to be an intelligent, funny woman.
TS.Heterosexism is a topic that has been amplified in our generation. SD.Saying hetero slurs like,"That's Gay" have become part of young and adult language. CM.Though it may be offensive to these heterosexuals we may not catch them coming out of our mouths and because of this mistake we make unwanted lasting impressions. CM.Not long ago African-Americans were discriminated against by many individuals; they were killed and tortured. SD.This is something that I hope will not escalate with heterosexual men and women. CM.In my own family there are heterosexuals and it would be an outrage if anyone of them were hut just because of they are heterosexual. CS.How someone can discriminate against something that one person does not choose to become is beyond me.
1.Heterosexism is a growing problem that needs a solution, and needs one fast. 2.Her heart broken her family lost, Mrs. Olsen overcame her horrid past. 3.The thing that Mrs. Olsen experienced was undoubtably one of the most appalling experiences that one person could overcome. 4.Mrs. Olsen is proof that it is possible to be a heterosexual and excel in life.
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Rashad Young
11.20.2008
Essay #7
1. I am continuing to work on removing unnecessary words, and simple punctuation errors.
2. I see some strong points in the second chunk.
3. Staying connected to the main point.
5. B-/B
4 comments:
Pros: You did a really excellent job incorporating apt FAST words in your writing
Cons:
1) You mention yourself a few times in the essay which is something you should try and avoid
2) With some one you don't know you shouldn't use their first name but their last
Overall, this is a really good essay and it shows that you worked hard to make your writing flow together
Pros: You did a really excellent job incorporating apt FAST words in your writing
Cons:
1) You mention yourself a few times in the essay which is something you should try and avoid
2) With some one you don't know you shouldn't use their first name but their last
Overall, this is a really good essay and it shows that you worked hard to make your writing flow together
Pros: I liked how you admitted that we all say the Hetero slurs, that was very noble.
Cons: In your essay there are places that need more comments for pausing.
I agree with Gabe on how you used the word I in your essay a little to much. This essay is about your reactions but that doesn't mean its about you.
Hi Rashad --
Always use the person's full name the first time you mention her.
"Sitting in her final class, Mrs. Olsen is thinking about how she is..." THIS IS A LITTLE CONFUSING. I'M NOT SURE WHAT YOU MEAN BY 'FINAL' CLASS, AND IT'S NOT CLEAR WHY YOU USED 'IS' INSTEAD OF 'WAS'. TRY YOUR BEST TO RE-READ EACH SENTENCE TO MAKE SURE IT'S TOTALLY CLEAR.
I love the last sentence of the opening paragraph.
CM.I am grateful that the teachers and students at Pine Point School are as loving and caring as they show to be.THIS SENTENCE DOESN'T SEEM TO FIT UNDER THE UMBRELLA OF ITS SD. I HOPE YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN.
THIS IS A VERY COOL CHUNK!! SD.During our discussion Mrs. Olsen said,"I was not fortunate enough to have a family that stood behind me but I did have a large group of friends who are now my family." CM.This made me think about how important it is to have a family and how important it is to have friends. CM.It is not Olsen's fault that she is heterosexual and her immediate family should understand that.
THIS IS UNCLEAR ... CM.Though it may be offensive to these heterosexuals ..." TRY YOUR BEST TO MAKE EACH SENTENCE TOTALLY CLEAR TO ANY READER.
THIS IS A SWEET FINAL PARAGRAPH (THOUGH IT SHOULD BE "HOMOSEXUAL" INSTEAD OF "HETEROSEXUAL) 1.Heterosexism is a growing problem that needs a solution, and needs one fast. 2.Her heart broken her family lost, Mrs. Olsen overcame her horrid past. 3.The thing that Mrs. Olsen experienced was undoubtably one of the most appalling experiences that one person could overcome. 4.Mrs. Olsen is proof that it is possible to be a heterosexual and excel in life.
There are some small mistakes in the essay. Be sure to RE-READ and try to find them in the future.
.........
GOOD WORK, RASHAD. YOU CONTINUE TO SHOW ME SOMETHING IN YOUR RECENT ENGLISH WORK. I'M BECOMING IMPRESSED.
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